Not another Mary Sue! Or is she?
by owlfactory
Summary: Alternative Mary Sue Parody.Quite Random.A new girl comes to Hogwarts.The only reason why: It's a Mary Sue. The Trio set out to destroy her...if she is a Mary Sue of course!


Yeah so I was taking off Wallpaper with my Boyfriend when my mind wandered, a small little ficlit appeared in my head and I had to write it down!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I think every single Fanfiction writer can lay claim to the Mary Sue, she is our invention…yet we love and hate her at the same

time.

Alternative Mary Sue Parody. A New Girl has come to Hogwarts. The Trio thinks she's a Mary Sue and set out to defeat her…but is she a Mary Sue really?

**Not another Mary Sue…Or is it? **

The wind outside the Great Hall roared with aggressiveness, bashing off the windows and making them shake. The rain battered the ceiling of the great hall, sounding as if a whole army was marching above. The pupils sat nervously in the Great Hall, glancing up at the ceiling and at the teachers' table, chatting occasionally about their summer outings and adventures. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny sat at the Gryffindor table, patiently waiting for the sorting to begin. They were all soaked to the skin, having been drenched by the rain.

To the surprise of them all, Professor McGonagall got to her feet at the teachers table. As new Headmistress, she stood in Dumbledore's vacant spot, looking rather uneasy as she did so. The Hall fell silent as she stood up, wondering why she was speaking before the sorting. The trio shared confused looks as the new Headmistress got to her feet and threw them all a stern repressing look. The Hall fell silent in an instant.

"Before we start the sorting I would like to make an announcement. We have a new pupil this year that will be joining the Seventh Year along with our new first years; she has just transferred from another wizarding school. I hope the seventh year shall make her feel welcome and at home."

The whole hall broke out in muttering, especially among the seventh years as McGonagall sat down again.

"Wow, new seventh year." Said Ron thoughtfully, staring up at Professor McGonagall.

"That'll be weird," said Harry agreeing, "Having a new girl in our year"

"What's wrong Hermione?" asked Ginny, for the bushy haired seventh year was frowning up at McGonagall, a dark look on her face. Her brows were furrowed in thoughtfulness, a serious look in her eyes.

"A new pupil in our year?" said Hermione darkly, "That can't be good"

Her friends shared confused looks.

"What's wrong with that?" asked Harry.

Hermione turned to Harry with an exasperated look on her face.

"Harry," she said patiently, "New people don't just _transfer_ to different magic schools. It's completely ridiculous. The only ones outside Hogwarts in Europe are Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. Each school has a different method of magical teaching which would be strange in compared to Hogwarts."

Ginny, Ron and Harry shared blank looks.

"And?" asked Ron incredulously

"It's ridiculous!" cried Hermione, "Plus throwing in such a character now would lead to lots of ridiculous back-story that would completely throw off our main plot points!"

Her friends where still confused.

"Hermione," said Ginny, "That's all very well. But what's the point?"

"This new girl is a Mary Sue!" cried Hermione angrily, "a ridiculous vision of perfection inserted by the author into our magical world!"

As one, Harry, Ron and Ginny gasped in horror.

"Not _the_ Mary Sue?" asked Ron in a shaking voice.

"The very one" said Hermione in a grave voice.

Ginny gaped at Hermione in horror.

"You don't mean…not like that ridiculous one we read about last night?"

Hermione nodded solemnly. Harry gulped.

"I do mean it." said Hermione darkly. The Gryffindor sighed heavily.

"She'll be beautiful, so beautiful she'll completely distract Harry and Ron. She'll walk like a graceful cat and have eyes like the moon"

"How does a cat walk gracefully?" asked Ron in confusion.

"And isn't the moon a big lumpy think in the sky covered in dust with lots of craters in it?" asked Harry

"We'll never know" said Hermione dramatically.

"She needs to be stopped" said Ginny fiercely, "We can't allow this-abomination- to ruin our lives!"

Hermione nodded swiftly, "You're right Ginny." she said, "This Mary Sue must be stopped as soon as possible!"

Harry and Ron shared rather confused looks. They got the whole Mary Sue thing rather well, however they didn't understand why she was here.

"Hermione?" asked Harry, "What's the Mary Sue doing here?"

"Yeah, why?" asked Ron nervously.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"She's here because obviously the fan-fiction writers have planned it." She explained with the air of talking to somebody very thick, "I mean it's so obvious!" she exclaimed.

"Really?" asked Ron, "I thought we were just at school? All normal and stuff?"

"Of course not Ron!" cried Hermione, "The scenes completely set for a Mary Sue! Look, the weather is mysteriously over the top," she pointed out, pointing up at the ceiling as a house flew over the top of the Great Hall complete with various farm animals and a boat, "Hell, even Harry, Ron and I are here even though we are supposed to be Horcrux hunting!" Hermione added.

"Yeah, what's with that?" asked Harry in bewilderment, "I mean, I really should be out there looking for the things. I mean I really _can't _do both school and Horcrux hunting no matter how much the fan-fiction writers love put me back in Hogwarts"

"Exactly Harry!" said Hermione, "I mean-"she dropped her voice to a conspired whisper, "Even Malfoy's sitting over at the Slytherin table."

Harry, Ron and Ginny jumped and turned to the Slytherin table where sure enough Malfoy was sitting rather cheerfully on his seat, feet up on the table, hands crossed behind his head.

"Wahey!" cried Malfoy brightly.

Harry spluttered in indignation.

"No way!" he cried.

"Look!" said Ginny, gaping in amazement at the teachers table, "Even Dumbledore's back!"

Hermione, Harry and Ron whirled around in their seats immediately. Sure enough up at the teachers table stood Professor Dumbledore, now wrestling with Professor McGonagall to get his proper seat back. Professor McGonagall had the old man in a head lock and was kicking him repeatedly in the stomach.

"Snape's not going to turn up is he?" asked Harry worriedly, gazing at his-well now resurrected headmaster.

"Oh I don't know actually, "said Hermione looking thoughtful, "He might turn up in potions so Mary Sue can shout at him."

"Damm" hissed Harry.

"Yes it is quite odd isn't it?" said Hermione, "I mean I'm starting to have equal loving attractions towards both Snape and Malfoy!" Hermione paused frowning to herself, "And strangely both of the Weasley twins" she added in confusion

"What?" yelped Ron, "But you're my girlfriend!"

"I know, I know!" cried Hermione miserably, "But it's all fanfiction and our authors can really do what they want!"

"Tell me about it," growled Harry angrily, "_I'm_ starting to find Malfoy attractive!"

"What!" cried Ginny in horror.

Harry threw his ex-girlfriend a miserable apologetic look,

"I'm sorry Ginny but…fanfiction you know!"

"It's not that!" cried Ginny, "I'm finding Malfoy stunningly, amazingly hunkingly attractive too!"

Harry gaped at her.

Ron gasped in horror suddenly, clamping his hands to his mouth, his eyes widening at Harry.

"Harry," he said seriously threw his hands, "Do. Not. Come. Near. Me."

"Why?" asked Harry in bewilderment.

Hermione threw Ron a sympathetic look.

"He's finding you attractive Harry" she told Harry.

Harry yelped, grabbed his chair and began to back away from Ron.

"We have to stop the Mary Sue!" said Ginny to Hermione, "She's causing all of this!"

"Exactly!" said Hermione firmly, "After the sorting we'll get her!"

The long line of first years began to enter, sure enough after Hermiones' comment.

"Now," said Hermione seriously watching the first years critically, "We'll know her immediately by her Ebony slash golden slash Violet slash warm Starbucks hot chocolate coloured hair and the fact that it shimmers like the Sun!"

"That was a long sentence." Harry commented

"Tell me about it," said Hermione, now out of breath and clutching her side.

"Her name will be completely over the top!" added Ginny to Ron and Harry, "Like Sapphire Opal Diamond Crystal Meth Brantana Tallissa Christiana Kaitlin De lyla!" she said very quickly.

"And she'll be American" said Hermione nodding at Ginnys' words, "Most Mary Sue's are American"

"Yeah, why is that?" asked Ron, looking along the line of first years.

"Nobody knows, "whispered Hermione, "Apparently the writers think that Americans are much cooler or something."

"Either that or she'll be from the Amazon," said Ginny matter of factly,

"Yes," said Hermione nodding, "And she'll be dressed like a whore!" she added brightly

Harry and Ron froze in their seats, throwing Hermione a blank look.

Hermione moved her shoulders uncomfortably, looking sheepish.

"I think it's either a lesbian thing I'm getting her or I just know too much about Mary Sue's, K?" she said to Harry and Ron quickly

"Fair enough," quipped Harry looking at Hermione warily.

"Okayy" said Ron slowly.

The group eyed the long line of first years, trying to identify to the Mary Sue. Ready to be struck by the long hair as shiny as the sun, as soft as the wind and smelling like some sort of baby prostitute.

"There she is!" cried Harry, pointing at a tall girl in the first year line.

They all looked over eagerly. Sure enough, there was a girl taller than all the first years in the long line. She was defiantly older than all of them.

But there was something wrong.

The group blanched.

"Well," said Harry, stumped, "She's…tall…-ish"

"That can't be right." said Hermione staring over at the Mary Sue.

The girl the group was looking at, was, well, rather medium sized. Her hair was simply brown and came up to her shoulders.

They blinked, blank looks on their faces.

"Well that's odd," said Ron, "I'm not at all struck by her amazing eyes which flash a different colour every time she breathes."

"Yeah," said Ginny, "And her hair isn't shimmering like a forgotten lost lake of sparkling crystals!"

They all looked at Ginny questionably.

"I read that one once." said Ginny sheepishly.

"Her hair's nice I suppose." Said Harry, "It's, well, rather samey. Brown just"

"Don't worry," said Hermione smartly, rather perturbed by the Mary-Sues' lack of well…Mary-Sueness, "We'll see when her name is called out. It's just a decoy for us to forget it's a Mary Sue"

"Oh it'll be read out first!" said Ginny excitedly to Hermione, "Then the author can ignore the rest of the sorting!"

They all turned eagerly to Professor McGonagall who had managed to remove herself from her fight with Dumbledore. The headmistress was pulling out a long scroll while scowling at the newly resurrected Dumbledore who was giving McGonagall the one finger triumphantly.

"Allen, Mary" McGonagall read threw gritted teeth. At her words, a young little girl with black hair stepped forwards…not the Mary Sue.

The group blanched again.

"Isn't she supposed to be read out first?" asked Harry to Hermione.

"Yes," said Hermione in bewilderment, looking quite put out, "I don't understand why!"

"Burrows, Ian" said McGonagall, as Mary Allen was sorted into Ravenclaw and a little boy stepped forwards.

Hermione gaped at McGonagall in outrage, making an annoyed noise in her throat.

Finally, as the line was near to an end, McGonagall finally looked up at the new Seventh Year girl.

"Here we go!" Hermione whispered excitedly.

"Laura Wilson!" called Professor McGonagall.

"What!" yelped Hermione, "That's rubbishly boring!"

"And it sounds like its spelt properly too!" said Ginny in outrage.

"Don't worry," said Ron to Ginny, "I'm sure she'll still be American and from southern California"

Laura Wilson began to walk towards McGonagall, aware of the stares towards her.

The group's frowns deepened.

"She's not like, gliding towards the hat like a bird or like some sort of weird person on rollerskates!" Hermione cried.

"Hey!" cried Ron, "She's not dressed like a Whore either!"

They where right, Laura Wilson wore her black skirt down to just above her knee, her shoes where reasonably low heel.

"She has _much _smaller breasts than I thought," said Ginny to Hermione in a low voice.

Laura sat on the little stool nervously. McGonagall placed the hat on her head.

"Oh!" said Hermione excitedly, "I bet it's telling her she's so powerful and amazing!"

_Inside the Hats mind _

"_Erm…right…erm….ok……Hmm…not bad….Gryffindor!" _

"I knew it!" squealed Hermione, as Laura got off the stool, looking terrified. "She's in our house so she can try and be friends with us!"

"She'll come down and sit in the middle, right in front of us!" said Ginny happily, just as Laura Wilson marched right to the top of the table nearest the teachers table and sat down.

They all blanched.

"Well…maybe she's just…making it harder for us to make friends with her." said Harry thoughtfully.

"Yes, plus she's ducking her head away from us all!" said Hermione brightly and looking pleased.

"What does that mean?" asked Ron.

"She's shying away from looking at people because of her dark horrible nasty past that causes her to avert her eyes. I bet their hidden with deep sadness that makes her eyes shine with mournfulness" said Hermione brightly.

"What?" cried Harry gazing at Hermione in disgust, "Hermione, do you write this stupid fanfiction or is it our readers?"

"Sorry," said Hermione sheepishly

They waited until the end of the sorting and everyone decided to start eating before they marched up to the Mary Sue. Laura was eating away at a plate of chips and drinking on her pumpkin juice, completely unaware.

Hermione marched up to Laura first, tapping her on the shoulders smartly. The girl turned around in her chair in surprise, facing the menacing face of Hermione, Ginny, Ron and Harry.

"Hello." said Hermione menacingly.

Laura blinked, looking up at the four people who stood behind her.

"Er, hello" she said nervously, in an Irish accent.

The group blinked.

"You're not American!" cried Ginny to her.

"Um, No" said Laura slowly, looking at the four people who stood above her.

Hermione bent down angrily and looked directly into Laura's eyes, they where neither mournful nor sad.

"Your eyes aren't glimmering with the ghost of your past!" she told Laura annoyed.

"Er…I know" said Laura in a scared voice, eyeing Hermione in a wary manner.

"She doesn't even have pure white skin like a glistening porcelain doll!" said Harry.

"Um…is there something wrong?" asked Laura nervously.

"Yes!" cried Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny together very angrily.

"You're the Mary Sue!" Ginny cried.

"The _what?_" Laura asked blankly

"The Mary Sue!" cried Hermione in annoyance, "A vicious image of perfection placed into our world to annoy our readers and fill their heads from boredom!"

"It's not our fault JK Rowling takes so long to write the bloody novel!" cried Harry.

"Yes and _you,_ my friend are the end result some of the time!" said Hermione, poking Laura in the chest.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Laura in alarm.

"The position of funny but yet cute Irish person has already been taken!" cried Ron angrily and pointing to Semus Finnigan.

"I bet you're a powerful pure blood witch!" said Ginny hotly, glaring at Laura with dislike.

Laura looked blankly at the group, blinking at them in bewilderment. She thought that perhaps they where on drugs…or drunk.

"Well, actually," she told them slowly, "I'm muggle-born!"

"A-Ha!" cried Hermione triumphantly, "The, "I'm a Muggle-Born to cover up for my evil parents cover up! Perfect!"

Laura glanced around her to see if anyone was staring at them all, she was pretty confused.

"I bet your father was evil wasn't he?" Ginny asked Laura irritably, "And your mothers dead?"

Laura shook her head slowly looking alarmed.

"Erm, my mums actually alive. My Dads pretty nice"

"Oh Oh!" cried Hermione excitedly," They're your cover up parents then?"

"No." said Laura uncomprehendly.

"Voldemort's not you dad?" asked Ron incredulously.

"No," said Laura nervously.

"Proffessor Snape?" asked Harry

"Grindelwald?" asked Hermione.

Laura shook her head in bewilderment.

"Why did you transfer schools then?" protested Ginny.

"Well, my dad's in the Muggle Army. We travel around a lot." said Laura.

"Ah-ha, he's in some secret Muggle MI5 thing isn't her?" said Harry, "And you're here under some witness protection act!"

Laura looked at Harry apologetically.

"No," she said, "He's left and we decided to settle in the UK."

"Oh I bet they have some super exciting job now don't they?" said Ginny triumphantly, "Something mysterious, rich and famous that alludes to your character and personality!"

"Well…" Laura looked at them cautiously, thinking the red headed girl was mad, "my dad owns a plumbing business now and my Mum runs a bakery company!" she said to them brightly.

They gaped at her annoyed.

"Well this is completely wrong!" cried Hermione.

"Potter, Weasley! Granger!"

The group turned around to see Professor McGonagall running towards them, sporting a black eye and looked disgruntled.

"Ah!" she said happily, "You've found the Mary Sue!"

"There's a problem Professor." said Hermione to McGonagall, "She doesn't seem to be displaying Mary-Sue type behaviour!"

"What?" said McGonagall in confusion, "Not even the deep dark past?"

They all whirled on Laura who by now was seriously thinking about moving back to Beauxbatons.

"Have you ever suffered a deep dark terrible secret that you want hidden from us? A horrible incident that causes you to make mournful statements and write terrible poetry?" asked Hermione

Laura blinked at Hermione, a blank look on her face.

"Well," she said thoughtfully, "I did kill a snail when I was Five!" she offered to them.

They stared at her.

"Was it an animgus of a really powerful wizard?" asked Hermione irritably.

"Or a radioactive one that gave you super-powers?" asked Ginny eagerly.

"Er no," said Laura slowly frowning, "But it was pretty upsetting!" she added to them brightly.

There was silence.

"Rigght" said Harry slowly eyeing Laura like she was a weirdo.

"Do you have any super-powers?" asked Ron

"Telekinesis?" asked Hermione.

"A Seer?" asked Ginny hopefully.

"Control the Weather?" asked Harry.

"Feel other people's moods like the puppet off Team America?" asked Professor McGonagall

Everyone looked at her.

"I read one like that once" said McGonagall sheepishly.

"Well, can you?" asked Hermione to Laura bossily.

Laura thought really hard.

"Erm…," she said weakly frowning hard, "I can roll my tongue" she offered to them brightly.

They gaped at her.

"What are your hobbies?" Ginny demanded, "Mary Sue has lots of very interesting hobbies!"

Laura thought hard.

"Erm, I like Riverdance!" she said to them brightly, "I can Irish Dance…a bit. Um I also like Deal or no Deal"

"You what?" asked Ron in confusion.

"Can you sing?" asked Hermione bristly.

"No." said Laura

"Oh!" said Ginny excitedly, thinking of another Mary-Sue trait "You travel the world you must be really good at languages!"

"Well, I _can_ speak Italian." said Laura.

"Is that all?" asked Professor McGonagall disappointed.

"Well, I try and speak French-but it kinda sounds like I'm drunk" said Laura thoughtfully.

"Do you indulge in self harm?" asked Hermione, peering at Lauras' arms critically.

"Of course not!" cried Laura in horror.

"You're not my long lost sister?" asked Harry, peering at Laura closely.

"Defiantly not" said Laura shaking her head wildly.

"Voldemorts sister?" asked Ron

"Sirius's secret daughter?" asked Hermione incredulously.

"My Mums lesbian lovers' child?" asked Harry.

They all looked at him blankly.

"I'm throwing caution to the wind here people" said Harry.

"No and No." said Laura looking disgusted.

"Well this sucks!" cried Hermione in frustration, "Hogwarts is over-run with fanfiction and we have no idea who's causing it! Especially if you're not the Mary Sue!"

"Or even if there is a Mary Sue here!" said McGonagall.

They all turned to Laura.

"We're terribly sorry," said Hermione to Laura apologetically, "We thought you were the Mary Sue!"

"We can actually be friends now!" said Ginny to Laura brightly.

"Plus neither Harry or I fancy you at all!" said Ron brightly, "So you won't threaten our canon relationships with Ginny and Hermione!"

"Friends?" said Harry to Laura and the group including McGongall stuck out their hands enerjetically, beaming at her.

Laura eyed the hands of the group looking insulted, horrified and alarmed.

"Erm," she said getting off her seat cautiously and edging sideways, "Actually, I think I'm going to go and sit over with that group over there." She said breathlessly, pointing over at Neville and Luna Lovegood who where sitting together nearby.

"What?" said Harry perplexed, "Don't you want to stay with us and be our fifth wheel?"

"Em, No thanks" said Laura, backing away down the hall slowly and glancing around hoping someone would save her, "I think you're all kinda crazy and a bunch of ejjits"

Hermione laughed.

"Oh subtle use of Irish Slang how cute!" she cried to Laura.

Laura blanched, glanced sideways quickly and darted out of the Great Hall.

The group huffed, sighing impatiently.

"Well if the Mary Sue isn't causing all the fanfiction what is?" asked Ron grumpily.

"Oh. My. God"

The group turned around, Ginny was staring wide eyed at something in front of her, looking rather sick, backing away slowly.

"What?" asked the group together and turned around.

"Oh no!" cried Hermione in disgust

"EWH!" cried Harry and Ron.

"Oh my goodness!" breathed McGongall.

"Erm, Professor Dumbledore," said Harry breathlessly, "Could you possibly get off Professor Snape….that's disturbing."

It's amazing what nonsense you think up while wallpapering lol I was giggling away to myself and my boyfriend thought I was mad. It's an odd story Idea but I thought it would be fun to write lol

Review if you will!


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